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i'm so interested in learning about the past and thinking about my present that i forget to think about my future.

and right now, my future is what i need to be focusing on.

it always comes to this. should i, 'go with the flow of things?' or should i, 'make things happen?' maybe i'm so analytical of myself i just let life pass me by.

all i can do now is think. daydream. somebody can ask me something, and i won't hear them because i'm off in my own world. it's getting scary. it's partly due to my medicine i am taking, so that's a relief, because i thought i was just turning into a zombie.

all i can do is hope that when i got marshall, people will take me in. if people don't like me, i can just start to beg for friends. like, stand on the streets with a sign saying "in dire want of friends" or something.
i don't know what it is, but i'm just the WORST with making friends and keeping them entertained. maybe it's because the friends i have now, we don't have a lot in common. what's sad is that the people i have stuff in common with, or seem to, are 30 and 40. how does that happen?
what, am i 30 or 40 years old inside, or something? maybe i am...
maybe it's because i seek someone who can tell me things i want to hear. maybe i hold my standards too high.

i like talking to people about these kinds of things but i don't know anyone who likes doing that. or i don't know anyone who feels comfortable doing so.

all i know is that i don't want to be the person i was back a couple of months ago.

maybe people are out to get me. sometimes i do think that, but then brush it off. Then, something happens to make me think it all over again. am i paranoid? maybe a little. but isn't it a good thing to be just a little paranoid? i'm not so paranoid that when someone glances at me i automatically think they're going to kill me, or anything.

today was so pretty out. i love this weather. i walked a mile with my father today, and in a couple of days i'm going to inez to join that weight loss program. it's actually called 'operation slimdown' which is even funnier. you get a t-shirt so that's pretty great. haha.
i know i'm going to lose the weight. (hopefully i don't jinx myself) but, i'm doing great. exercise wise, eating-wise, everything...just really good. i've decided to just go by weight watchers points because it's really simple. and then i can exercise 4-5 times a week, walking and the gym. i'm already lowering my medicine. so that's good news, because the more weight i lose the more i can lower my medicine. but...i just hope my brain doesn't swell anymore. if it swells then i'd become blinder D:. and i don't want that. but, i'm really trying to lose weight. it's hard not to weight myself every few days...i'm trying to weigh myself just once a week so i can see the progress that way. my mom's buying the wiifit, haha. i don't even know if that works, but it'll be fun either way, and get me off the couch/away from the food and up and moving so it's gotta do some good.
the transition from incredibly fatty foods to incredibly healthy foods has been a little hard but i'm doing okay. when EVERYONE in the house is dieting it makes it much easier, that way there's no fatty foods in the house. before when i tried to diet, i was the only one, and it was hard.

well, i guess i'm going to watch some tv with my sister and play some games (she's begging me, here, haha). update soon.

love,
w.